


Fandom Cliche Klok: by the power of the internet

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-19
Updated: 2009-05-19
Packaged: 2018-03-16 16:26:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3495083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by a discussion elsewhere.<br/>The things we all write are making them do it, basically.<br/>Warnings: rape, incest, things like that.  But done as <i>humor</i>, which is probably kind of worse.  Also some fluffiness.<br/>Parings: Mostly N/C and S/T, but most every combo is mentioned at some point.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fandom Cliche Klok: by the power of the internet

Something was wrong today. They had all ignored it as long as they could, but things were just getting way out of hand. And so this was why Charles found his office invaded by five very discontent musicians. He _really_ wasn’t in the mood to deal with them right now, he was having lots of problems of his own. Still, he studied them as they all took a seat, it was his job after all.

Skwisgaar looked like someone had beat him up, and his hair was wet. Nathan was just slumped over with his head in his hands. Toki just looked very agitated. Pickles looked tired and confused. Murderface... well he actually looked about normal, but he was here, so something must be bothering him too. Maybe he should just make them all have sessions with Twinkletits. Maybe _he_ should have a session as well.

Charles sighed. Well they were already here, so he tried to push his crazy thoughts aside. “Okay guys, what seems to be the problem?”  
Great, it seemed that nobody wanted to be the one to start. “Well you’re here, so something must be bothering you.”  
Still nothing. Only Toki and Pickles would actually even meet his eyes. He decided to start with them. “Pickles? Would you like to go first?”

Pickles took a deep breath. “Nah, but I guess I will. Ya see... it’s... well, sahmthin’s wrong ta’day. I keep havin’ these crazy thoughts, an’ I don’t know where they’re comin’ from.”  
Charles nodded, he could definitely understand that. “Can you give me some examples?”  
“Yah, like about Snakes N Barrels, I keep thinkin’ we all had sex. Don’t know why I’m thinkin’ thet. Also, for sahm reason, I wanna fuck Toki, an’ also, I think I’m in love with ya. But I’m _naught_ gay... I don’t know what tha fuck is goin’ on.”  
Charles inwardly cringed a bit, but continued, “I see. Anything else?”  
“Oh yeah, I also keep thinkin’ I fuck my brother, or at least used ta. Why would I do that? I hate thet fucker, I’m so confused.”

Charles nodded, yes this _was_ confusing. “Ah, Toki. How about you?”  
“I thinks I got the multiple personality disorters.”  
“Explain.”  
“Part of me’s feels like I’s a virgin. Part of me’s a slut. Part is.... gays. Part is in loves with Nathan, part with Skwisgaar... I don’ts know what’s going on!”  
“Okay.... anything else?”  
“Ya, I ordered pajamas onlines. I don’t know whys. They’s so unmetal, with _clouds_ on them, but it was like I just hads to get thems.”  
Compulsive shopping, hmm. How did that fit in?

Who should he call on next? “Nathan? How about you, what’s your problem?”  
Nathan looked up, “I CAN’T STOP RAPING PEOPLE!! I don’t want to, that’s not _me_ , but like, I can’t stop.”  
“Whoa, whoa, hold on. Who have you raped?”  
Charles watched in horror as all the others raised their hands.  
“So you’ve raped them all, already?”  
“YES! And I wanna rape you too, but you know, gently. Because I’m like, in love with you. For some reason.”

“Okay.... and Skwisgaar? What happened to you?”  
“Nathans beat me ups and rapes me. And.... and I’s liked its.”  
“Oh my. He did some damage, didn’t he? Is there more?”  
“Ja. I can’t stops washing my hairs. Is reallies annoying. And only wit dese girly soaps, hates the smells. I’s _not_ a ladies.”  
“No, no you’re not. Is that all?”  
“Almosts. I tink... okays, fine, I says it. I’s in love with Toki?”

Charles was thinking that all these stories sounded familiar, for some reason. Oh well, maybe it would come to him. Besides, he still needed to hear what Murderface had to say.  
“Murderface? How about you? Anything strange going on?”  
“No. I jusht want to schay that I definitely _don’t_ want to schuck Nathan’s dick.”  
“I never implied that you did.”  
“Well, I DON’T. And I don’t wanna fuck Knubbler either.”  
“Okay, that’s interesting.” He hadn’t considered questioning Knubbler, but it made sense that this might involve him too. Charles made a note to check that out later.

“Well guys, I’d say there’s definitely something strange going on here. I might consult with Twinkletits and see if he has any ideas. _Don’t worry_ , I wouldn’t tell him your stories.”  
They all nodded, a bit miserably. This was so confusing.  
“Okay, everybody try to go about your lives, I’ll try to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible. Skwisgaar, try to stay out of the shower, that can’t be good. Toki, maybe help him?”  
“Buts... what if we has sexes?”  
“I don’t have an answer for that. And Nathan, can you stay a minute, I need to talk to you some more.”

Charles waited until the others had left, then turned to Nathan. “It’s not just the five of you, it’s me too. And maybe some others, I’m not sure.”  
“Um, so what’s yours? You know, your problem?”  
“Well I... I seem to want to have sex with all of you, but mostly you. So if you could perhaps limit your raping to me....?”  
“OH! Uh, yeah, I can probably do that. Like, now?”  
“You’re awfully polite for a rapist, you know. Yes, now would be good.”

Charles undressed. Nathan did too, but looked anxious. “Charles, tie my hands. Behind my back.”  
“Why?”  
“So I don’t beat you up, I really don’t want to.”  
“Won’t that make it kind of difficult for you to rape me then?”  
“Well, I could like, sit here and, you know, let you do it.”  
“So you’re telling me you want me to tie you up, and then basically use you to rape myself?”  
“Um, yeah. That would work. Please?”

Charles let his mind drift back to the very disturbing fantasy he’d been having during their little meeting. Imagining being naked and surrounded by them all, with Nathan’s cock up his ass and everyone’s hands running all over his body....  
He _couldn’t_ allow that to happen, but this part... well it was to keep everyone else safe. Part of the job. The fact that he was ready to break down and beg for it wasn’t an issue, he was only doing this to protect them all. He kept telling himself that as he used his tie to bind Nathan’s strong arms securely behind him.

Getting some lube from his desk drawer, he approached. Charles dropped to his knees in front of Nathan, giving him a few distracting licks, feeling oddly shy as he stretched himself with lubed fingers.  
Then he straddled Nathan and slid him home.  
Charles was thinking, as he began to move, that this was not right. He was a professional, he was not gay. He shouldn’t be craving this feeling, clinging to the frontman, his boss, moaning at the sensations deep within him.  
Then he quit thinking.

****

Meanwhile, Toki was attempting to keep Skwisgaar from taking another shower. Restraining him was very distracting, since they both had been feeling strangely attracted to each other just lately. There was a good bit of unnecessary squirming.  
But still, Skwisgaar was feeling compelled to shower. “Toki, comes on, yous can shower with mes.”  
“But’s I don’t need a shower! And I don’t wants to smell like girl soap!”  
“No girl soaps, I promises. Please come on, ja?”  
It was so hard to fight this thing. Toki gave in, following Skwisgaar into the large bathroom. There _better_ not be any girly soap involved.

****

Pickles was in his room. His solution to this (well, to everything really) was to get very high. Also very drunk, at the same time. This didn’t help with the problems any, but it made them bother him a lot less. Or really, not at all.  
Pickles was lounging on his bed, blaring Snakes N Barrels on his stereo while masturbating to old home movies. Yes, very very wrong, but he was too high to care.  
He found himself also picturing... Toki... wearing Charles’s tie and glasses....

****

Charles had managed to be “raped” by Nathan twice in a row, and now they were just sitting on the couch feeling a bit awkward. Mostly because it _wasn’t_ awkward. Well, that took the edge off at least.  
“Nathan, I’ve been trying to think of why all this sounds so familiar. Can you think of anything that might have caused it?”  
“Well uh, some of it... sounds kinda like these stories we like, found. Online.”  
That sounded plausible. “Nathan? Websites, now.”  
He typed one in, and they began searching through the entries. Was the answer in here somewhere? 

“Nathan, tell me. In order, who do you have the strongest urges to rape?”  
Uh, you. Then Toki, definitely. Then I guess Skwisgaar, um, Pickles... and Murderface too, but not as much. So like, what’s your order?”  
“Oh mine? Well not rape, but all of you really. Let me see.... you, Pickles, Skwisgaar, Toki, Murderface.”  
They kept reading.  
“Huh. I guess lots of people like us together. For some reason.”

****  
Murderface was in his room, completely refusing to acknowledge that anything at all might be wrong. Well, getting raped by Nathan earlier was a little hard to forget, but he was doing his best. And the little fact that he had enjoyed it was something he was never going to admit.  
As far as why freaky little scrawny robot-eyed Knubbler was appealing to him... well, he didn’t want to think about that either.  
He would just stay in his room, avoid everyone, and pretend everything was normal.

****

Skwisgaar had Toki in the shower. They were still trying to figure this all out.  
“Toki, you knows me, I’s not like this. I don’t fall in de loves, ever. I has no idea what’s goings on.”  
Toki, who had a whole lot of conflicting thoughts today, was still very confused. “So you’s saying you don’ts want to rape me?”  
“Ja I _do_ , but.... I also wants to just hold you.”  
“Okays Skwisgaar, I wants to hold you too!” Toki bear hugged him, and they clung together under the warm spray.

****

Charles had ordered a Klokateer to make inquiries as to if anyone else was having strangeness out of the ordinary lately. Only Knubbler responded, stopping in to give a report.  
“Well Charles, I spent my morning searching everywhere online. For some reason, I just had to have some pink silk boxers. I don’t like pink. I don’t wear boxers. But I couldn’t rest until I bought some. Hell, I’ll probably feel compelled to wear the things when they get here.”  
Charles nodded, “Toki had compulsive shopping too. Nathan and I have been searching, and we think we’ve figured it out.”

Knubbler was used to Dethklok-induced chaos. “What have they done now?”  
“No, no, it’s not their fault this time. It seems to be these websites. Somehow we’re feeling compelled to act out the things they write about us.”  
Knubbler considered this for a bit. “So if I’m having thoughts about someone, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything?”  
Nathan snorted, “It’s Murderface, isn’t it?”  
“Well, yes, if you must know. I just don’t understand this at all.”  
Charles thought of something. “Nathan, are you feeling any urge to rape Knubbler?”  
“Uh, no?”  
“That’s fitting, we haven’t seen anything written about that.”

****

Pickles had finally managed to ingest enough substances to knock himself out.  
He was sprawled on his bed, sleeping. Well, unconscious really, but it could pass for sleep.

****

“Do you loves me Toki?”  
Toki shook his head sadly. “Can’t loves you Skwisgaar, then you would die.”  
They were laying on Skwisgaar’s bed now. The still wanted to have sex, but Nathan had been pretty rough with them earlier, especially with Skwisgaar, and so they weren’t rushing into anything. They lay partially entwined, stroking each other gently and just talking.  
“Why’s you being so nice to me today anyways?”  
“Don’ts know. Ja, I know it’s weirds, but I just can’t be means to you right nows. I just wants to hold you, and protects you, or somethings... I can’t understand dese feelings.”  
“It’s okays, I’s feeling the same way about you.”

Skwisgaar winced a little as he shifted position. “I don’t think we can be hasing de sexes today, if you feels anyting like I does.”  
“I think you gots it worse, but ya. So what else cans we do?”  
In response, Skwisgaar grinned, then kissed him. Toki kissed back, it was weird. It didn’t feel like kissing a girl, but at the moment, it was the sweetest thing he’d ever felt.

****

Nathan and Charles, between a few more “rape” breaks, thought they had it figured it out. Not how to fix it, but the cause at least.  
Charles thought they should get everyone back together and discuss it as a group.  
Nathan disagreed, “No. I’d rape them again, I wouldn’t be able to help it. I don’t wanna do that. I like, didn’t even want to do it in the first place, I just couldn’t _stop_.”  
“Well, I could... tie you up again, I suppose.”  
“No. Not yet, not ‘till we know how to fix it. Please?”  
“Alright, calm down. Let’s keep working on this.”

****

Pickles woke up, and remembered. Was it over yet? No, so he quickly downed another bottle of whiskey.  
Then he passed back out.

****

Skwisgaar was nestled against Toki’s chest, wrapped in his strong arms. He couldn’t remember any time in his life when he’d ever felt so safe and loved. (Yes, Toki insisted that it wasn’t love, but still.)  
Toki stroked his hair softly, soothingly. 

****

Charles thought he’d figured it out. “We need to get everyone together now. Nathan, do you trust me?”  
“Um, I think so?”  
“Good enough.” Charles rang for Klokateers, instructing them to gather the inflicted ones and bring them to his office. Nathan was still nervous, it couldn’t be that simple, could it? Charles seemed quite certain. He just hoped he could keep from raping anyone again, that really sucked.

****

They all entered cautiously, ready to jump out of (or into?) Nathan’s reach, but he merely sat still. Murderface and Knubbler were definitely _not_ looking at each other. Toki and Skwisgaar were sticking together. Pickles was snoring on the floor where the Klokateer had laid him, since he was still passed out. They all ignored him, he’d wake up whenever he woke up.

“Well,” Charles began, “This seems to have all started after they aired that documentary, Metalocalypse. The producers purposely edited it in ways that might possibly be interpreted as gayness. I thought it was no big deal at the time, and you all agreed.”  
“Were we drunk?”  
“Yes, yes you were, but you seemed confident about it. Anyway, that’s all it took, people started thinking we were all secretly having sex. Oh yes, I am often included in these stories.”

“Scho what do we do about thish?”  
“Well, it seems that we just have to acknowledge that outside forces are making us act this way. Once you face it, it seems to lose it’s power over you. For example: Nathan? Do you feel like raping anyone right now?”  
“No.”  
“See, there you go, it’s that easy.”

Skwisgaar was thinking. He’d just found something he didn’t even know he’d been missing, he wasn’t ready to give it up. But if it wasn’t real, if it was just created by someone else... he didn’t know what to think.  
The others were quiet too, absorbing this.  
Charles looked at them all, “Well, that should do it, everything should go back to normal now. Meeting dismissed, I suppose.”

They wandered off in different directions, somewhat dazed by everything.  
Skwisgaar grabbed Toki’s hand, not wanting to let him go yet. Toki nodded, and they returned to Skwisgaar’s room.  
They’d all see how they felt in the morning.

*Oh yes, Metalocalypse is now a “documentary”


End file.
